Improve Communication: Mirroring Technique
Stop jumping to problem solving. Provide validation first.
I used to think I was brilliant at communication. That I was a great listener. Validating and supportive. I was with my ex-husband for nearly 10 years and we had maybe 2 arguments in that time. I thought that was a sign of a wonderful healthy relationship. I was wrong. Having arguments and difficult conversations is healthy. (Obviously to a point, it depends how it’s handled. If anyone was to try shouting at me, I’m definitely walking out of the room. Screw that disrespect.)
My ex-husband said I was hard to talk to, and had anger issues. BAFFLED was an understatement. How on earth could the person I spend the most time with, have such an opposite view to myself? What I learned through divorce, and just by getting older, is how often what you say, is not what the other person hears.
A key technique to improving communication is the mirroring method. Now, the point of this isn’t to solve the deep rooted issues or find solutions to the problems. It’s about feeling heard, understood and validated. Problems involving two, or more, people are unlikely to be fixed without this occurring. Or not in the long run.
Let’s break it down…
Mirroring Technique
1. Choose 1 speaker and 1 listener. (You will both get a chance to speak and to be heard.)
2. Speaker asks, “Are you available talk/ to hear my appreciation/frustration/feelings?” (Otherwise we’re already at a disadvantage, trying to have a conversation when someone doesn’t have the headspace/capacity to do so. If no, decide a later time to do it.)
3. Speaker says ONLY 2 or 3 sentences at a time. (We often get accidentally carried away and then it’s hard for someone to respond to everything.)
4. Speaker starts with sentences beginning with “I” instead of “you”. E.g. I think…. I feel…. When X happened, I felt… (This helps to avoid the listener feeling attacked and being defensive, because it’s not about them, but about the speaker.)
5. Listener repeats back literally what the speaker said. NOT interpretations. NOT responses. NOT their own content. Mirror back what they said. This is where we avoid the miscommunication. “What I am hearing is…” “What I think you said… ” “So you are saying….” When you have finished mirroring ask “Did I get that right?”
6. The speaker gets the chance to correct what they have said, if needed. Yes, that’s right” OR “Not exactly, what I was saying was……” (repeat or rephrase)
7. Once you confirm that you have heard and mirrored correctly, the speaker can add to it. Yes, when that happens, I also feel…. Yes, it makes me think about…, it brings up for me….”
8. Listener mirrors again. And this continues as needed until the speaker has finished sharing (or allotted time for each person is up).
9. Summarise! The listener has to summarise everything the speaker has communicated.
10. Speaker gets the chance, when they have finished, to correct if needed.
Then the listener VALIDATES and EMPATHISES. “That makes sense to me because…”. “I understand why you feel… “ I can see why …. would make you feel ….” OR if you still feel confused “Can you clarify…”
Next, you can swap the speaker and listener (perhaps after a little break first).
Remember the goal isn’t to fix the problem or suggest solutions. It’s for both parties to feel heard. Over time, practicing this style of communication will enable solutions to naturally occur more often anyway, because you have a greater amount of understanding and you’re working from the same page.